


bourbon in your eyes

by nea_writes



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Gen, Introspection, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-14
Updated: 2017-09-14
Packaged: 2018-12-29 21:53:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12094194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nea_writes/pseuds/nea_writes
Summary: When Mana said he loved me, did he mean me? Or...Which was it?That Cross didn't have an answer was possibly the worst thing Allen heard that night.





	bourbon in your eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Request from @allenwx, on Allen's feelings about Mana, the 14th, and how he copes with it. 
> 
> Sometimes I forget Allen's really only 16, and that his father died not that long ago. Allen has even dreamed of being stabbed with his own sword in a post-apocalyptic world, but the moment Mana smiled it became a 'good dream'. It's almost sad how much Allen loves Mana.

_'You were unlucky.'_

Allen didn't sleep that night.

For the first time, Link had left him on his own. Allen should've taken advantage of it. He should have somehow snuck in to see Cross and demand to know more, to know everything, to force him to say it was all a cruel joke—

He should've done all that, and yet, he stayed.

Lenalee slept undisturbed beside him, breaths even and face lax, warm and content. Like this, she looked much younger, years falling away from the usual hard line to her shoulders, the graceful way she held herself gone, dignified despite all the Order took from her. Asleep, though, left her relaxed, made her look her real age and, at the same time, like a child. 

Allen passed a hand over his mouth, forcing the grimace into something malleable. He couldn't quite manage a smile yet, but he would, he had to. He didn't have the option not to.

In the darkness of the library, Allen felt protected, hidden. Lenalee and Johnny were both asleep, and the only other sound was the ticking of a clock Allen couldn't see, filling the silence and providing something for Allen to focus on, to anchor himself in reality.

Mana — his Mana, his father, the traveling clown who'd picked up a circus brat with no name to call his son — was the Fourteenth's brother.

Allen nearly wanted to laugh, but it would've been ugly and all sorts of wrong, a sound Mana would've hated to hear.

And that was the root of it all, wasn't it? Allen had built his entire life on the crumbled foundations Mana had laid, and now they were falling apart, a cruel mimicry of the Ark he'd once rebuilt. Perhaps irony was a better word, because all of it really was ironic, wasn't it? Fighting a war that had nearly enslaved Mana to the Earl only to find out Mana was related all along. That the son Mana had raised was destined to become the very brother he'd sought for years. 

Every mantra every promise every lie, Allen had taken it all to heart and engraved them there, memories preserved from pure repetition. Mana had been his everything.

How could Mana do this to him?

He turned away from Lenalee and covered his eyes, taking shallow breaths to hold back the panic threatening to overwhelm him, careful to keep as still as possible. Mana didn't do anything, couldn't have possibly done this on purpose. Maybe Mana could have, once upon a time, but Allen had wrecked that the day he'd used an arm capable of murder to render him without his full working sense, a guilt that still tasted fresh despite the years.

Allen had hurt him first, no matter how you looked at it. Then he'd done it again, bringing the Millennium Earl straight to Mana, a betrayal that shamed him to this day.

Was this something Allen deserved? Karma, retribution, consequences — or was Allen asking for too much? To have a home and a family, somewhere to return to and be welcomed back, was that all beyond Allen's reach? 

The Fourteenth, who had Mana's love, Mana's everything, who was truly related to Mana. It wasn't hard to recognize the envy that sprouted in Allen's heart, like the Garden of Eden it bloomed and grew, ensnaring and twining with his ribs, his lungs. He  _wanted_ to be the one, the one Mana loved, the one who was his family, the one Mana said  _I love you_ to.

Was that too much to ask?

Lenalee shifted beside him, breath deepening before she sighed, relaxed against his shoulder. A strand of hair fell across her forehead, and tentatively Allen moved it away. On Lenalee's other side was Johnny. He snored lightly, fast and deep asleep. They were right here beside him, but Allen felt more alone now than ever.

What was it like to have a brother? Lenalee and Komui loved each other deeply, and Komui had thrown his entire life into the Order just for Lenalee's sake. Was that a love Mana had for his brother? Would Mana have given up everything, just to be by the Fourteenth's side?

If he had to choose, would Mana pick Allen?

Allen wanted to believe he would. Had to believe it was a sure choice or one too unbearable to make. Allen needed Mana to have loved him... because, if he didn't, then what had Allen been living for all this time?

The words he spat in Cross face came back to him near violently then, and when he'd said them then they had been true. They still were. Allen had chosen to walk this path, for the souls like Mana that needed redemption, for the innocent lives the Earl plagued, for the purpose he found in a cursed arm that had only hurt Mana before.

Allen wasn't so different from Kory, after all. He needed to find reason in his path to forgive that which, otherwise, would be unforgivable.

He wanted to be angry at Cross. For deceiving him, for leading him to a home he could finally call his own only to take it all away, but the look in Cross' eyes had sapped any fight Allen had. Worse yet was the voice Cross had towards the end, sorrowful, tired, exhausted. 

_I can't laugh at Tiedoll anymore._

What could Allen say to that? 

Outside the rain started up, a short staccato rhythm that only added to the ambiance of the quiet library. Lenalee and Johnny remained undisturbed, and Allen looked up to the windows, watching the trails the raindrops made, waiting as condensation slowly formed, fogging the windows. 

Lines of circles and arcs, a pattern only Mana and Allen knew — that Allen had been taught in preparation for the Fourteenth.

How much of it was planned? How far back did this go? Allen had long since let go of his past — the life before Mana didn't matter. Now, though, the trust he'd buried deep in Mana's very being was slowly falling apart. 

Allen felt betrayed.

_What would you do if I told you you'll have to kill someone you love when you become the Fourteenth?_

Despite it all, though, what Allen had said to Cross remained unchanged. 

Allen still loved Mana. 

He very well suspected that would never change. No matter what Mana could have done, Allen would forgive it. Rather, there was nothing  _to_ forgive, because Allen had done far worse deeds to Mana. Besides, there was no greater reason for Allen's life than the single one Mana had given him.

_Don't stop. Keep walking._

And so Allen would, until the day he'd die. He'd carry this cross, this burden on his back, and he'd forge his own path. It was a resolution he swore to himself. 

_I won't let the Fourteenth have this._

**Author's Note:**

> nea_chi | twitter  
> nea-writes | tumblr


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